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Yeek |
Joined: Thu Feb 04, 2016 12:47 am Posts: 14
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Going through the Corruptor class, I found a few. Under Corruption / Sanguisuge: - Drain has a bit of conflicting language. The first line says that it "replenish[es] 20% of it as vim energy", as a flat amount. However, the next line says the amount varies based on the target's rank, with higher-ranked enemies giving more vim. Does that mean 20% is the base amount (for trash mobs) and goes higher for bosses and such? Or do trash mobs give a very low amount (5%, or something like that), and bosses give the full 20%? Also, the last line should probably say "the damage will increase with your Spellpower", as I don't think the vim gain increases at all.
- Absorb Life says it gives extra vim "for each kill of a non-undead creature..." Wouldn't it be cleaner to say "each time you kill a living creature"? Other parts of the game make reference to extra damage against living - there are separate egos for damage against living creatures vs. extra damage vs. undead ones.
Under Corruption / Vim: - Vimsense has a bit of weird wording as well. I feel like the duration should be at the end of the sentence, but looking at Track, it's laid out the same way. It feels a little odd to me, but that might just be me. It's a bit odd, because the only other effect that's similar (Track) is worded the same way, but I think every other talent or effect with a duration has the duration listed at the end of the sentence. Either way, the second line should also read "..., but will also make them aware of you." As it stands right now (no "will"), it's a sentence fragment.
- Dark Portal's mention of Strength, Dexterity and Constitution should be capitalized to match stat usage in other talents.
Under Corruption / Plague: - For Virulent Disease, there's no need for the comma in the first line before the part about "reducing one its physical stats..." The next line about applying diseases the target the target doesn't have should probably read "... does not currently have, as well as the one that will be most debilitating for the target." Maybe just a little cleaner, and it would match other talents that mention radius and duration (such as Poison Storm from the Blight tree). The stats mention (Str, Dex, Con) should also be capitalized to match stat usage in other talents.
- For Epidemic's line about suffering healing reduction, you should probably just say Epidemic instead of "that disease" for clarity's sake.
Under Corruption / Blood: - Blood Fury mentions spells going critical, which I think is a fairly unique wording. Although now that I look at some other on-crit talents, there doesn't seem to be much of a consistent wording (Sun Paladin's Sun's Vengeance is worded differently than Anorithil's Corona, for instance, and both are worded differently than Blood Fury.) Might want to take a look at all of the on-crit effects and pick a consistent phrase for them.
Under Corruption / Blight: - Poison Storm's lines for what happens at each talent level should have a comma after each talent level - "At talent level 2, you have..." etc.
Under Corruption / Bone: - The second comma in Bone Spear - "... in line, and inflicting..." isn't necessary.
- The second comma in Bone Nova is similarly unnecessary.
- Bone Shield has a bit of awkward grammar in it. The line about absorbing attacks could be cleaned up, something like "Each one will fully absorb one attack." - although this is a bit misleading, because if I remember right, each one just absorbs one instance of damage, so one shield is absorbed for a poison tick, not stopping the whole effect of poison. But that's not really for here. The last line also doesn't stand by itself very well, maybe something like "A new shield will be created every x turns, with a max of x shields." - I also don't think Bone Shields explicitly states what the max number of shields is, for that matter, although I know it is the same as the number created upon activation.
Under Corruption / Shadowflame: - For Wraithform, the second line should be reworded a bit, something like "Your defense and armor will also be increased by x and y, respectively." The last line needs a comma: "... when the effect ends, you will randomly teleport."
- I feel like Darkfire should say the bolt "explodes in a flash..." instead of into, but I'm not 100% sure of that.
- For Fearscape, the second to last line needs a semicolon for the last bit - "... ending when it reaches 0; the amount drained..."
Under Corruption / Hexes: - For Pacification Hex, the last part of the effect should read "... around it for 3 turns and giving a x% chance..." - no comma before the additional daze chance, and adding "a" before the x%.
Under Cunning / Survival: - The last line of Evasion about increased effects should include a couple of "the"s - "The duration... and the chance to evade-" actually, the last bit should be completely rewritten for clarity, "... Willpower, the chance to evade attacks with Cunning, and Defense with Dexterity." On that note, is Defense always capitalized? In Evasion it is, but in Wraithform, it isn't.
Sorry if these are a little more nitpicky than what you're looking for, I've been doing a lot of English paper stuff lately, so my mind's on that kind of track. And some more... Under the Human description: - In the general Human description, the second sentence where it reads "... they fought each other until events, and great people, unified..." should either remove the commas around "and great people" or, more likely, be replaced with hyphens.
- In the Higher description, the line about the Gift of the Highborn should have a comma after the racial name ("They posses the Gift of the Highborn, which...").
- For Cornacs, not sure if you want to replace the line about Humans being adaptable with specifying Cornacs, since that's their whole racial identity and is separate from Highers.
Under the Warrior general description, there's no comma necessary after "greatswords". Under Technique / Two-Handed Assault: - Fearless Cleave needs a comma after "foes" ("... toward your foes, using the momentum..."). The 3 wide arc is also a bit fuzzy, and it's different than Wyrmic's Ice Claw, which at early ranks behaves the same way, if I remember right, so maybe use the wording from Ice Claw? Also, the last line of Fearless Cleave needs a comma after "to move".
- Death Dance needs a comma in the second line ("At level 3, all...").
- Execution could use a little cleaning up. It should read "deals an extra x% of damage for every y% of HP the target is missing." I believe y% is always 1% but can't remember if that scales at all.
Under Technique / Berserker's Strength: - The second line of Shattering Blow needs a comma after "Also" ("Also, if the target...").
- Relentless Fury needs a comma in the second line ("For 4 turns, you gain..."). The line after that about when it's usable is also a sentence fragment, you'd just need to put Relentless Fury at the very beginning to make it grammatically correct ("Relentless Fury is only usable...").
Under Technique / Combat Technique: - Rush is written partially in the passive tense. Should be "If you reach the spot you rush to and it is occupied, you will perform..." Also, is the daze guaranteed if the attack hits, or is there a save in there? I thought if it was only a chance with a save check involved, it would list the chance to succeed. If it's automatic, then "can" should be removed.
- Precise Strikes needs to be a list for the effects: "... reducing your attack speed by x%, increasing your Accuracy by y, and critical chance by z%." Right now, there's an "and" before the Accuracy part.
Under Technique / Shield Defense: - Repulsion should probably say "knock back" instead of "repel" in its description to keep in line with other knock back abilities ("... thrust and knock them back 2 tiles"). Speaking of, I don't think any other talent refers to "grids", so it should probably be "tiles".
- Shield Expertise needs some serious clarification, as it doesn't tell you how much it increases your damage and defense by at all. And is it talking about improving Defense or Armor?
- Last Stand is a bit wordy. Probably something like "... increasing Defense by x and current and maximum life by y; however, you are unable to move." The second line about not seeing how much HP you have also needs a comma - "... however, below 0 life..."
Because I apparently like doing this more than actually playing ToME at the moment... Technique / Archery training: - For Aim, everything should probably say "increasing your (stat) by x/y/z" instead of the parenthetical set-up right now, since it doesn't match up with the part about reducing firing speed, which doesn't use parentheses. Also, is there a particular reason why some talents note increased stat amounts of using parentheses vs. saying "increase (stat) by x"? I first noticed the discrepancy when looking at Aim, not sure how it works across the rest of the talents. I know some of the Combat Veteran talents use the parentheses for some reason as well, though.
- Rapid Shot suffers from the same inconsistency as Aim, using a mix of "increase by x" vs. parentheses.
Technique / Superiority: - Onslaught states "... knock them all back in an frontal arc", when it should be "afrontal arc." The talent also mentions "grids", which should probably be "tiles". And another one that uses parentheses for a stat gain/loss, could probably be reworded to be similar to Shattering Impact.
Technique / Warcries: - Shattering Shout needs a comma in the second line - "At level 5, the shout..." Also, "incoming" is spelled wrong in the description.
- Second Wind should probably note that maybe it restores 30% of your maximum stamina, and note how much that is in the description if possible.
- Battle Shout's first line should be swapped around and probably a little reworded, so it begins with "With a deafening bellow, you boost your life and stamina..." Again, maybe note how much life and stamina you gain if it's not too difficult.
Technique / Bloodthirst: - Mortal Terror states your blows "inspire utter terror on your foes" when it should be in your foes. The second sentence should also read "... chance is also increased by x%."
- Bloody Butcher's first sentence should probably say "gaining x physical power." instead of "providing". Also, is Physical Power supposed to be capitalized or not? It is in Battle Cry's description but not here. The line about Strength improving the Physical Power gain feels a little awkward worded the way it is, but it should probably say "increased by your Strength" instead of "depends on" to better match the other talents.
- Unstoppable says you "... can not use items...", should be "cannot". I bring this up again (after a small debate from last time) because later in the description you use "cannot". :p Second line should probably mention that you "regain x% of your maximum health..." The last sentence should make Berserker Rage a possessive (Berserker's Rage critical bonus is disabled...). Also need a comma before "as you lose the thrill..."
Cunning / Dirty Fighting: - Dirty Fighting is a bit of a unique case with the fact that it takes no turn if the stun fails, but maybe the sentence about stun chance increasing with Accuracy should still be last, to better match the rest of the talents?
- Backstab has different wording for noting increased critical chance than most other talents, but that's mostly a minor thing if it wants to be left for flavor.
- Cripple's last sentence about increased apply effect should probably just say "cripple" instead of "the status effect."
Technique / Field Control: - Disengage says you jump "x grids" when I think it's supposed to be "tiles." If I'm wrong on this, please correct me lol.
- Heave uses "grids" in the first sentence. "Knockback" also seems to be randomly capitalized.
- Slow Motion should probably have "etc." instead of the ellipsis after "arrows".
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